Amygdala

I’m done living in my amygdala

Because second rate living isn’t fitting this sky.

Reptilian impulses implying death with every turn

Fight or flight lifestyle left me exhausted but still

These thoughts are crusading and shaping my mood

Indicating that my body was no match for my mind

Black and white thinking

Got me believing

It’s either one or the other

Gotta revamp my psyche

Play it in a new key

Remind myself that thoughts

Can just hang out

But I can act out.

It’s all a mind game

One I’ve been playing since I was a little kid

Neurons wired to create

a path of least resistance based on preconceived notions

formulated by a baby brain that knew nothing about intersectional feminism with an anti-capitalist anti-racist anti-establishment edge, knew nothing about putting skin in the game with our brothers and sisters of the world.

No, this wiring in my brain predates my passions. But it still defines my pain.

It stands alone as a strange little remnant of my history, and, possibly my future

If I can’t concoct new potions with my mind

Strategic goal in mind.

So you see,

I’ve had OCD

since I was eleven

And I really am a hellion.

I promise.

But those certain things

That get under my skin

And send me running

For cover

Send my quitting my jobs

Calling my mother

Send me denying food and drink

And sometimes a place to sleep

These fears send me under, and under, and under

Until one day I won’t be able to come out.

I’ll have dug too deep, I fear.

Panting, sweating, crying and dying.

Thank goodness I changed course, I’m not lying.

But those little monsters who I’ve let grow bigger

inside me

They own me now

Got to respect the devil if you want to play.

Hello OCD, here I am facing you

Do you see me?

You’ve done it again honey, hurray.

You’ve consumed my thoughts, I think only of you.

Like an abusive spouse I hate you but I can’t

Let go of your hand.

You’re guiding me. You’re telling me you’re helping me.

My every movement throughout the day is not done without

First

Checking in with you.

I grow to depend on you more and more.

Do you know what power you hold?

Are you a part of me, or am I a part of you?

Trust that I’m trying

To forget you.

My therapist told me I think too much

in Absolutes.

“Try mindfulness.”

Oh, you mean like meditating five minutes before bed? I quit

religion when I was a teenager.

“No, like committing to the mindfulness lifestyle in every moment.”

Oh, you mean full time obsession with mindfulness, Ms. Psych?

That’s more my speed.

My whole life has been about chasing impossible extremes. So why not?

You want me to feel the chair I’m sitting on,

the way my eyes open wider when yours do,

the way that the coffee you gave me

tasted like sweet, blessed dirt from the shoe of a prophet?

You want me to take on mindfulness full time-

In addition to stomping on what parts I can

of the world’s hierarchy and isms with the written word?

You want me to be mindful TOO?

Mindful-

Mindful.

Mindful.

I see

I feel the chair beneath me.

Like what you read? Click the like button below so more readers can find this story.
Want more? Sign up to follow Everyday Embellishments
here, or visit my Medium page. You can also follow me on Twitter, or Tumblr.
If you would like to support my writing financially, check out my Patreon page here: 
patreon.com/ceceliabarrow

Advertisements

One thought on “Amygdala

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s