We head out for the Eskimo dance at eleven at night tonight, and when we arrive we are told that we are early. When does it start? Whenever the whaling crew gets here. Wait around?
We choose not to.
On the walk back home, Alyssa and I fall into step together. We’re both in a funk, and we are unsure of how we got to this place tonight. Realizing we’re in a similar place puts a little more positivity in our steps.
Carinne hands Alyssa a flower from behind, and Alyssa takes it and looks at it.
Then she throws it on the dirt road under our feet.
“Alyssa, why didn’t you keep it?” Carinne asks, half jokingly, half seriously.
“I set it free,” she says, flinging her arms up. “You can’t hold onto everything, Carinne. You can’t possess anything.” She kicks her boot in the mud, trudging next to me in the rain back to our apartment. She’s joking of course, but her words vibe with deeper meaning to the group.
Back at the apartment, Jess is swinging her hair around, and rolling around the floor putting on a Pride dance show for Alyssa and I. This is mostly how she spends her time these days. She is in a really good place right now, and she’s spreading her light to all of us.
The other night she talked to me about how she was lonely, and why hadn’t she really clicked with anyone worth her time this year?
**She’s twerking in my face as I write this.
And I told her, this is your time to shine. Become who you’re trying to find.
This is standard advice that I throw around like fortune cookies, but Jess actually took it to heart. The past three days she’s been on fire- dancing around and constantly singing and reading and pushing herself.
Our team has had a continuous struggle during this round, with ongoing tensions abounding. This is new to us, as we’ve always been able to work things out easily, using communication. Carinne and I are having a little bit of tension right now. Which we periodically do, because we are so similar that we tend to judge each other more harshly than we do other people. We love each other and can’t stand one another, depending on the day. Overall it’s a beautiful cooperative artistic exploration, but up close it can look a bit messy and feel like impending disaster.
I’ve fallen out of the flow in the past twenty four hours. It’s a combination of a lot of things, but I realize that looking into all of this further is essential for my self development.
Find that flow again.
End up staying awake talking with Carinne til one in the morning. We are almost back to our sweet spot again. We are perhaps closer to each other than ever before from the communication of difficult topics tonight.
When in doubt, always communicate. And don’t be scared to be honest. You really can’t go wrong. And it always feels so, so much better.
I walk out of our room later, and Jess is still alone at the window seat in the living room singing aloud to Gay Pride playlists. I sit down on the carpet to collect my things, and within seconds she has taken her headphones off, now blasting her music and twerking in my face. She loves to do this, mostly because I never know how to react.
Today Jess and Carinne banned men from our house for the time being. We only have two weeks left up here, we need to be focusing on our revolution together.
“I don’t know if it’s because I’ve been reading all of these feminist books lately, or if it’s because I’m tired of wearing clothes around our living room. But I want them out,” Jess confided in me today as we swept the lagoon over and over picking up trash.
Jess and I had a magical day at the lagoon. We walked around and around, picking up some of the humanity’s most disgusting remnants, and placing them in big white trash bags.
At a certain point, we decided to honor our existence, and took a mini nap on the tundra. We met a bunch of construction workers walking past wearing rasta beanies. They cheered us on as we left to partake in our trash pilgrimage again.
Alyssa joined us for our second lap. She was about to have a breakdown from all of the mosquitoes biting her head. We swept her away into our cloud of rainbows and sunshine and continued around the lagoon with new eyes. Ran into Dakota, who was visiting at his brother’s house.
I’ve always wondered who lived in that house, and now I know. That dog that almost bites my leg off every time I jog past has a name.
I look up from my laptop, and jump. Jess is staring straight at me, shaking her head.
She proceeds to tell me about the chapter she just read in Zinn’s “A People’s History,” her eyes wide and searching for answers.
“It’s PSYCHO. Isn’t it crazy how money, and land, and… stupid… stupid shit…what does it stem from? What the hell does this stem from? Just psycho…”
We have no answers for one another tonight, just let it sink it, and look out the window. She goes back to her book, taking notes in her purple composition notebook. And I go back to finishing this blog post and my coffee.