Questions

What do I think? I think they are two insensitive people who I not longer respect or trust and don’t feel obligated to make a good impression anymore.

Instead, I’ve volunteered myself at the library during the 9-5 workday. I also want to call AWIC again tomorrow. And I will be here. And I will live. And I will accomplish. And I will learn about the way that the world is fucked up and beautiful.

“There’s people in the world, you know? And where there people, things are always messy,” Shannon, our couch surfer commented.

I have continuously told Heather that I don’t feel comfortable being in Laura’s yard when the sawing is happening. And really, I don’t feel comfortable being in that yard at all. There is so much sawdust all over the ground that you can smell it when you walk up. You’re breathing something in, whether you realize it or not. And today the wind is blowing hard, whipping our hair around and obviously everything else in sight. And I’m simply just not about it.

Last time I ever tell anyone that I have anxiety. Ever since I told Heather that, and was super open with her, she’s proceeded to brush me aside like I need to get over myself. And doesn’t even respect the fact that we got spoken authority from campus that we didn’t have to be around that dust if we didn’t feel comfortable. We don’t even have to go to the “garden opening” workshop this Saturday if we feel ethically confused.

So why the fuck do I keep getting pressured?

Our higher ups on campus called H a “young leader,” and to give her a break. But she is not meeting my needs, and she is putting me in some uncomfortable places and not remedying that.

And I am not going to quit. But I am not going to be complacent and stand for shit.

L, a virtual stranger before June 2015, yelled at the girls earlier this week over something. Heather yelled at me today. I don’t know if it’s something in the air up here that’s making everyone turn into monsters. Before work yesterday, we met at the boys’ place at seven in the morning for a brief meeting to discuss the tensions on the team. And a few people started head on yelling at each other as we went around the room to tell how we were feeling about life/each other.

It was pretty nasty. I’ve never seen the people on my team act like this before.

And then this morning, after gathering the sand and cursing on the beach with Jess, Tony and Carinne, we show up at the house again. Laura’s kids are outside playing, while our boys have dusk masks on and are going at the wood sawing it like it’s going to save the world.

I feel more balanced than I have in awhile, if only because I’m mad now. I’m not terrified, or embarrassed, or ashamed of myself. I am mad. I do not think any of this is being handled well. And I think a day off to think about life and what exactly is happening in this little village would be good for all of us. Because are breaking. We are not working together. We are breaking.

Yesterday, the projects on the cold frames had to be halted, because the wood for the tops of them could not be cut.

They had to be cut at an angle, so Laura had asked the college to have someone cut it with a table saw. And apparently she went there yesterday afternoon, and they were like, fuck no we’re not cutting that inside. We need hazmat suits and high quality respirators.

So Laura came back and was like, maybe we’ll just use other wood.

And we said, what? We have other wood? Why the fuck did we not just avoid this huge issue and use that other wood.

But today, here they are again. Sawing that old CCA wood to shit.

I’m advertising with Alyssa at the AC store for the event on Saturday that I probably won’t go to. And I’m drinking coffee. And I’m putting it out of my mind.

But these people are fucking idiots.

In my “obviously unbiased and completely objective” opinion right now.

I know that I’m running on emotions right now, but they are stable emotions grounded in facts that I’ve been stating since day one, but for some fucking reason keep getting challenged on. I understand that we can all feel different ways about our health, and about hazardous substances, but if there is science to back up my discomfort, I do not think you can just write my feelings off.

It’s actually probably illegal in a workplace environment.

There’s a man watching porn at a computer in front of me in the library.

Sipping my coffee and looking past him to the beautiful mural on the wall.

Heather and I just had a heart to heart and cried and hugged together.

This is the most ridiculous experience of my life.

We are now working six days a week, ten hours a day with the wood. Eight am to six pm, Monday to Saturday.

What is this?

There are 100% no other easy options for work that do not involve the wood, of course.

And they are not being supplied to me. We did all we did yesterday, and today we are just driven up to Laura’s house, and told that the boys will hammer and build the cold frames while we gather sand.

I don’t want to be around that house at all today.

I just feel super upset at the leadership in this situation.

I feel like that is what our supposed leadership has been all year: nonexistent.

It’s like pulling teeth to get things done, or to have your opinions respected.

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