Separating my truth and other people’s truth has been a lifelong struggle for me.
And this year has been especially challenging and taxing regarding that dilemma.
I know I’m going to come out of all of this stronger, and more able to follow my truth, and my direction. But times like this– midway through the experience– is when your growing muscles really start to hurt. And that’s when real change is about to happen. Or you have the opportunity to make real change happen. That’s what I need to remember.
But it’s just not always that much fun.
I’ve lost the magic. The easy magic that I’ve pretty consistently carried around with me through easy and hard times the past four years. The magic that allows me to make every human interaction a guiding voice along my path. Every moment a lifetime, every song a story. That magic that I found when I was 20 and took off on my study abroad experience. And realized that I am not a victim to life- I am the active main character of this and every moment following. Everything and everyone teaches me something, whether it’s something I agree with, or something I want to learn.
I’m not trying to change things– because things are just the way they are for me to learn from. And as I change myself- I change the world.
That’s my good place.
And this is where I’m at now.
I see everything as disconnected, and I’m constantly looking for the exit sign in a room, in a commitment, in a process.
I’m placing these really high expectations on myself to change the world. I’m placing these really harsh expectations on those around me for being what I see as wrong with everything.
But that’s projection. A happy person does not care what other people around them do, as long as they themselves feel fulfilled in what they are doing. I need to stop projecting my own momentary loss of sense of self and making it someone else’s problem.
This year– when I’m in that flow– when any of us are in that flow of group think– you lose a bit of yourself.
To work as a team, to collaborate, you have to meet other people halfway.
And I feel as though I have consistently kept myself at a distance from the team. Jess is always asking me how I’m doing it. How do I just do what I want, take that alone time whenever I crave it?
And I’m reminded that I need to stop judging myself. I am still learning, but I’ve also already learned a lot, and I need to give myself credit for that.
I am a pretty independent person– but humans are social creatures, and we all fall into groupthink when put into situations. We imitate one another’s ways of thinking, talking and being. And that is the beautiful patchwork quilt that makes all of us up.
I am because you are.
It’s a Western myth to think that we exist separately from one another. That we can be completely independent and resist all influence from outside parties.
But it’s also true that strengthening your independent muscles, going against the grain by following your own truth– that’s what I place up high.
I feel as if I am being pulled in two different directions this year.
I am strengthening my people skills, and my ability to work in a team and collaborate, cooperate, and lead.
Speaking of leadership, that is something I no longer have a problem doing. I voice my opinion of how I think things should be done, and my team usually runs with it. It’s empowering to realize that I have the power to coordinate people, and also makes me feel like less of a sheep in this sheep like living environment I’ve been in for the past half year.
Currently done with work- 5 pm- I’ve got one hour at the new coffee shop. The internet on campus doesn’t work anymore– so I have limited access to blogging right now. So I’m doing it now.
It’s really hot out today. And lately. I’ve been a lot more aware of sunscreen, and taking the shade when it’s available. Something I’ve never done in my life.
Drinking an Izzy, and chilling in silence with Tony. He’s been the only one I can handle lately. And we just keep popping up in the same places.
I really haven’t spoken to many people in the past few days. And what I do say is that i need to be alone right now.