Control

Jess, you have a spider on your chin.“

“Never in my life did I think I would hear that. BBQ sauce probably, but not that. These Daddy Long Legs– I swear they are the drunkest spiders around. Not drunkest– maybe stoned.

When I stop trying to control everything, and learn how to control myself is when I really am able to live.

That’s part of my biggest secret:

I am scared of everything, so therefore I also have to be the one to go for it all.

Dre and I stopped to pet the horses for the last time here, and introduced ourselves to some older women who take care of the horses. And they were like, “You’re the runner! We see you, round and round these hills. We’re just thinking, there she goes again!”

And I was reminded that you don’t have to be an all star, record breaking champion to be a runner. You just have to run.

And same with writing. I don’t ever have to publish anything. I just have to write.

So I’m going to stop putting these unrealistic expectations on myself, and claim what I do have. Which is the fact that I am a runner, and I am a writer. And that is just fact. I need other people to see me doing it, and tell me so for me to realize that it is true. Something that I’d like to work on.

This place really killed my self esteem for some reason– but more on that later. I’m going for a run.

And we’re leaving in 15 hours.

“Annie thrives on meeting new people.” Carinne said this morning at lunch.

Talking to new people for the first time is like talking to yourself. It’s an introvert’s terror, and dream. All in one.

The missing ingredient I’ve been slaving over finding.

The element of surprise.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s