No phone, I’m going to call everyone later tonight when we get back, if you’re still up.
Things are much brighter today, and I’ve got a really good cup of coffee on the table in front of me.
Feeling really inspired and connected to the world— a welcome change because for the past few weeks I’ve been stretched way too thin.
I’ve lost track of who I was, and what I was going for. And I knew that all I needed was a day like this— out in the world. The good, the bad, the ugly and a cup of coffee.
This is all I need.
So I somehow found it in my being this week to push through, to dig in the dirt and uncover potato bugs, grubs and centipedes. And so many other little things. Surrounded by all this life in the dirt— but felt so alone. Had lost my ability to connect with it. With the dirt, with people, with life.
If it hadn’t been so close to the end of the week I think I would have taken a personal day, it was so bad. But I made it to Friday, and from five pm Friday on everything has changed.
Everyone deserves the time to take care of yourself, and I think a lot of us, including myself, push aside taking care of themselves and push themselves until they just can’t do it any longer. I’m learning to take that time when I need it— and realizing that time lost driving to Ukiah, paying for coffee and carrying a heavy backpack all over town is completely worth it. Because that’s what I need.
What do you need?
I don’t know what the hell I’m doing out here, honestly though.
This has been such a strange year. It’s like I’m here, but I’m also not here. I’m not getting to be completely me. I’m not getting to read alone with a Boulevard beer after work. I’m not getting to go to coffeeshops on the weekends and zen out. I’m not able to meet new people daily I connect with- instead I’m learning how to reconnect daily with people I already know. I’m not able to peace out and tell everyone else just to “trust their hearts and go with the flow,” because you can’t do that when you have eleven people under one roof.
I’m in a program, and it’s really structured and it’s changed the really artsy parts of my life that I really love. Or it has put certain restrictions or changes on them. Which is okay, because it’s a trade off. But it is nice to get away on a day like today— I have five whole hours alone. Unheard of. And I get to create my day for myself, not simply accept or battle other’s ideas for the day. It’s completely, organically mine.
So let’s see what I can do with it.
And let’s see if I can’t take some of the magic I create today, and take it back to work with me for the next two weeks.
So next time I see those prehistoric bugs the side of my fist in the ground, I can just smile and realize it’s something to write about. Something to experience fully right then. And that every moment is new, no matter how repetitive the job.
Every moment of life you’re getting a little wiser, but you’re also losing a little more of the time you had.
Use it to its max.
And I really need to stop blaming the lack of creativity in my life on outside events.
If I really want this to be an art year, like I said I did, I can do that.
I think I am a mix of artist and efficiency. I can’t simply create all the time, I also want to know I’m moving forward. Personally and professionally.
And so all these other requirements I have with my job right now—- I could just half ass them. Or I could do them really well.
And creativity and progress sometimes go hand in hand.
So put on the rose colored glasses, and get things done.
There is a woman playing a ukulele at the table next to me.
And all of the baristas are so androgynous that gender is an irrelevant distinction in this cafe.
The farmer’s market was full of old barefoot hippies telling me about the state of the world.
And there is really, really good music being played to me through my headphones.
Maybe I should listen to the real ukulele music next to me— but sometimes you’ve got to choose what you actually want in your life.
People can overwhelm you with their art. Find yours.
Find your art.
I want someone to pay me to think.