1/3

Found out today only 1/3 of AmeriCorps NCCC participants finish the 9 month program.

That being said, yesterday was one of the hardest days I’ve had in this program so far.

In the middle of the day, I’m weeding grass, and have gone numb.I haven’t felt this way during a job since I was bagging groceries at a Dillon’s back home. And I was saying I felt like I couldn’t do it anymore. And Tony was trying to be supportive, but it wasn’t getting to me. And then later I’m over at the compost, and little shit George is helping me. And I’m blasting my music on my headphones and trying to ignore everyone that keeps trying to talk to me. And he pulls out this heart shaped rock he’s been carrying around in his pocket for the past week, and hands it to me.

“I can see you’re having a rough day, I want to be able to help you when you’re having a rough day. You’re like the big sister I never had.”

And he gave me the rock, then gave me a hug, and I almost cried, smiled, and laughed all at the same time. Then I ran back to the house and had a really, really good cry.

And then I walk out, and our big boss who’s visiting is outside, waiting for me to have a one on one with me. And I hold it together, and walk and talk with her.

And then I start crying halfway though the meeting, and it’s all lost. I can’t believe I’ve done this, but I also can’t stop crying now that I’ve started.

I’m talking in hiccuped sobs, and she’s asking me if I’m alright, and I’m saying carry on with the conversation and it will pass. What else do you want to talk about?

And then after that meeting with her it’s all gone. All the crying at least.

And then I’m just left with this confused feeling of what the hell I’m doing out here in the middle of the California boonies.

And who these people are I’m with.

And how we are all brothers and sisters, and love and hate one another.

And how we are just in the hating phase right now, and that is alright.

Just need some time apart, you know?

We have been working non stop for the past 13 days. We have not had a day off in 13 days. And we work 12-13 hour days. We are a basket case by day 13, let me tell you.

But we’re going to be alright, none of these emotions are things we should take seriously, it’s just all of us acting out on our emotional extremes. We’ve had a lot lately.

Found out we were camping in Sacramento for the next two months, a funny scenario in how it was made as a joke the night before we found out: “Worst case scenario we’re CAMPING in SACRAMENTO.” And then we were. We didn’t even know it was possible when we jinxed ourselves.

And then yesterday we switched team leaders, which was a really awkward and kind of sad, but much needed event. Pressure has been lifted off my shoulders, but now there is a new pressure to adjust to actually having an authority figure living with us.

And then I heard back from the job in New York that I wanted, and I got put on the wait list. Which, I’m assuming, means I didn’t get it. I’m not going to wait around for a job. So that means I’ve got to start the job search again.

And how I’m going to do that when all I want to do is sleep?

I’ll figure it out. I’m bringing my journal back with me into the garden today. Hide it in the weeds and get some secret writing done.

*Dre bounces onto Jess’ sleeping bag.

“Why are you acting like a fucking leprechaun??!… Now she’s going to write that down too! Can you leave?! Can you leave??!!!

Jess to Dre

I just turned the oven off again at 9:30 at night as usual.

Woke up from my fevered sleep to do that. Just to check that.

And it was justified.

I don’t mind going against the rift. But it was way too early, and I was not ready for stank face this morning.

Jess

Our next home: Camp Pollock. Sacramento Valley Conservancy

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