The Bar

Got a second job working at the bar and drinking Goldschlager, Patron and Crown nightly and shitting gold in the morning.

I think what I really want to do for the next few years of my life is make drinks, listen to people, and write.

I still am not comfortable yet in this new life to write much about it, but as time goes on I hope to get back to writing as much as I did in my study abroad days.

Because. What I realized today. Again.Is that there is culture happening around us all at every minute of the day. And people are absolutely intriguing when you get past your own beliefs and just listen and observe. The way people are independent, the way people are swayed, the way we are all similar, and all different. The ways we laugh, cry and move forward. The ways we entertain each other while at the same time bore the shit out of one another.

I want to blog this year from the perspective of a foreigner. I want to see my country through the eyes of an anthropologist. Studying, not making judgments. I want to love it, with all it’s plastic and jesus and gasoline and burgers.

I’m done seeking refuge in hippies for awhile. I am out in the wild for the year, man. I am doing dangerous research in the realms of my homeland.

Wish me luck.

Got to work at the cafe at 5:45 am this morning.

Drank coffee, ate scones, busted my ass working.

I am in the middle of an intellectual awakening right now.

I never really pushed myself to learn anything while I was in school. Honestly I just drank a lot of beer and thought people who were actually studying were suckers to the system.

And now look where I am, in all my glory.

Just kidding. I am actually starting to like where I am at. I was not ready to make any big life decisions when I graduated, and I am so thankful to my wonderful, supportive and inspiring parents who have selflessly taken me back in again. And my wonderful grandparents who were prepared to do the same thing. Thank you all. :)

Right now I am reading “Lean In” by Sheryl Sandberg. I picked up a stack of the ever present self help books lining the shelves of America’s bookstores.With all of the wonderful opportunities we have today that our parents have made possible for us, it is a bit terrifying to jump into. So I am amping up on feminine mojo and inspiration, and keeping busy day to day.

On my way to memorizing all of the countries and capitals of the world. Which I never thought was possible. Beginning to learn more than I ever have in my life. Especially more than I ever did in school.

So glad I went to University, but it will be awhile before I ever go back. I need to make some major changes to my life and the way that I handle stress first. Which I am in the process of doing, finally.

Half of the things I was crying about after the breakup were things that have always been problems in my life, I just tried to push them aside and never address them. The fact that I graduated and didn’t know what to do with my life was not that guy’s fault, but he sure did not help.

Anyway. The end of the relationship, the end of school, the end of my old job, my good friends moving away and having to sheepishly move back to my hometown was not pleasant. But it forced me to face everything that hurts to think about, because I literally had no other choices but to begin to think. And so here I am now. I am thinking. And I am reading. And I am starting to learn more about myself. And I am starting to get really excited again. When two months ago I was fairly sure I could never be happy again.

Thank you everyone for helping me get to this point. Thank you for listening to me sob for approximately two months straight. Thank you for indulging in my flair for the dramatic. Thank you for being on call for starbucks emergencies, sleepovers and talking everything out with me again and again. So that I finally began to realize what I already knew.

Thank you for inspiring me to write my first novel. :)

Yesterday was really fun. Coffee with one new friend, meandering the soul crushing halls of the mall with an old friend, hang out at bro’s bakery with family and meet another friend there, then go downtown and check out crazy Halloween costumes while eating fried pickles and drinking Stella with brother and his girlfriend.

This is more social than I have had in months! I woke up with withdrawal symptoms this morning.

Talked to Debolina this afternoon. I love her so much. She brings positive vibes everywhere she goes, and whoever she talks to. True friends are just like family. They are the ones that never ask you for more than you want to give, trust you in your judgments and decisions, and remind you who you are when you start to fade.

There have been a lot of people in my life these past four years, but the people who have always been there for me deserve all the love and respect I can give them.

When shit gets hard, you see oh so clearly who matters. Those people who can make you laugh when you’re crying your eyes out. Those people that surround you with love, regardless. The people with whom distance doesn’t matter. Debolina and I have been there for each other through thick and thin over these past four years. And we are still there for each other. And probably always will be.

Freshman year: We bonded over LOST. We watched it obsessively instead of going out and drinking like the rest of our peers. When I first met Jordan, he was pretty sure we were lesbian lovers.

After I started dating Jordan, I remember going on a double date with him and Deb when Alessandro was visiting. We went to Munchers to get snacks, then all four of us piled into my bed together and watched scary movies all night.

Deb and I went to Java Break at odd hours of the night/early morning. We smoked a lot of hookah at the Hookah House and then ran out without paying.

When Jordan and I broke up, Debolina moved in and slept in my double bed with me for the last few weeks of our dorm life. (Jumping in beds has been a reoccurring theme in our friendship since day one.)

Sophomore year: I remember jumping in bed with Debolina after watching some terrifying House episode. She had candles all over her room and I was pretty sure she was practicing witchcraft. ;)

We both had a hard year sophomore year. We didn’t really know how to help each other because we were both so lost (pun? ;)), but we pulled through together. And had many movie nights in in the process.

Junior Year: I left. And when I came back the next summer, it was like I had never been gone at all. X

Senior Year: We finally found the rhythm of our friendship. We walked to class every morning together. We got excited about our Anthropology together. We suffered through many a house meetings together. We spent Valentines day together, and made delicious stuffed mushrooms and got each other flowers. We absentmindedly held hands in the kitchen. And then convinced everyone in the hippie house that we in fact were lesbian lovers.

We had many delicious dinners with Deb’s boyfriend Dan, an excellent cook. We drank a shitton of wine, and beer, and vodka. We went out by ourselves, and we went out with the hippie collective. Debolina set me up with my perfect “hippie in a band” boyfriend. She also was there with me through two unpleasant heartbreaks.

We talked about chores, boys, grad school and non-grad school. We cried together in our rooms after rough days, and had hippie picnics on the carpet.

She put up with all of my disappearing acts, racy adventures and bad haircuts.

She is my best friend. And I think she probably always will be.

Quit the job at the bar– far too tempting to start down a path I don’t want to lead. And too late of hours. I will stick with coffee and caffeine highs.

Great time with Grandma and Grandpa this weekend.

I went out to eat with them and their friends at a steakhouse on Wednesday. Everyone was so lovely. I got the two vegetarian things on the menu and ate more bread than I have had in the past year combined.

Grandpa brought home pumpkin doughnuts, and we ate them for 48 hours straight as well.

Grandma make a delicious vegetarian chili Tuesday night.

Wednesday morning I got up with Grandma at 6 and went to yoga with her.

I also went to her writing group that afternoon, with a bunch of absolutely adorable ladies.

Grandpa and I talked about the Affordable Care Act. Grandpa knows his politics.

Finally, as per tradition, we all went out to eat at my favorite Mexican restaurant in the world, of which I have no idea what the name is.

Great to be around people.

The night before I went out with Burton and got Bullfrogs at Auntie Mae’s. Night before that hung out with Joe and was SO hungover.

Feel like I am on the upswing now. Even though I break down crying at random times during the day and it is always at a time when I am trying to be serious with someone and explain something important.

No luck.

Talked with bro this morning though, and he said I am in the best position I could be right now. Can stay and save up this year, pay off loans and make self who I want to be for Chicago next year. Ben and I found a few Coops in Chicago that look really nice. For a Coop. ;)

Going to start working this week, and going to keep applying for jobs. Maybe even a few in Chicago. Got a part time job for the meantime, and few interviews I’m waiting on hearing back from.

This is going to be a year for me.

I need to stop acting like coming back to Manhattan is setting me back.

I was already set back.

For some reason, the conditions in Lawrence were not right for me to be productive. Now I can be productive just for me, and plan for the future that I want.

Beer with Luke and Joe tonight. Country music blaring. Sitting outside under the Kansas stars in lawn chairs. The wide receiver for K-State stopped by and chatted. We hung out with cops.

“We all need to look outside of our tunnel vision and see life happening all around us at every minute. And not be scared to live it.

“I’ll just go pee in the bushes now.”

LOVE THEM.

The past week or so has been interesting. Last week I bartended Bingo night at work. Had a little too much to drink that night towards the end. My coworkers kept buying drinks for all of us and having me make them. Then I also bartended Karaoke night, which was pretty fun. People actually got up and sing. And they survived!

At the cafe I have come across some interesting characters. Some intriguing stories. And speculation at least once a week on my Jewish heritage.

Took the GRE last week– got really good scores in verbal, really average in quantitative. Pretty good considering I blindly guessed for roughly 97% of the quantitative questions. But maybe that’s what everyone else does. Met a nice guy before the start of the test. We shared that knowing smile that you do with strangers when you know you have an instant bond between you, like a huge standardized test.

Ate Chipotle in Topeka by myself after the test. Felt strangely independent and empowered. Never been in Topeka by myself before.

Worked Thursday-Monday, today is my last day for a few days. Not sure if the bar is a great fit for me, still trying to figure it out.

Talking to Jisu a lot recently– we are both in a bit of a slump this year- we talk right whenever I am waking up and she is going to bed. Passing the baton.

 

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