I Want To Feel Like I Can Do Anything Again

Got off perch. Nest again. And someone else was already in my spot. Soaking it up.

Cycle.

So here’s the answer: I regressed a bit, yeah, but I always progress much further than I regress. ALWAYS. It’s the law of my universe.

What’s Yours? :)

I have realized I have hardly written at all lately. I think it was because people were telling me they liked reading my blog, so, obviously, this prompted me to immediately halt any and all writing I had been doing.

Haha but seriously. It’s a lot easier to blabber on about god-knows-what when you figure no one will be reading it. But you know what I just realized? Tough luck for me, and for you.

I will not be attempting to “edit” my blog anymore (as I have been doing for the past few months or so), because I have realized that “editing” means “regretting-everything-I-have-previously-written-and-deleting-it.” No more editing, and a lot more writing. You are just going to have to struggle with me as I attempt to find my voice on the page and in the world. You still want to read this blog?

I knew you did.

Welcome to the ride.

Going to begin writing everyday again. About the boring, the mundane and the dreary. Because, as I seem to have forgotten lately, those are the best and most brilliant things to write about. That is where you, the writer, get to create life. And then you take responsibility for that life you have created, however offensive, boring, pathetic or just plain shit it is.

But really, let’s be honest, folks.

The Coop has started a head hunting game with attempting to pull off my hat. I have a bald spot on the size from a self hair cut gone wrong.

I’m going to end the week with a buzzed head.

Draining the wine bottle, I do my part for “inebriates” as Mom does a number for our gender- winning all the chips over to the vaginal side of the table. In a shocking end to the game, Mother distributes her chips equally to everyone and we  “all win.“

Now we know why capitalism promotes the patriarchy.

Brains + Breasts = Socialism

Christmas Eve is our official Christmas for our ancient German souls. :) Watched “It’s a Wonderful Life,” made dinner and opened presents.

Brother takes my gift– “Oh, feels like a book. An opinionated book.” Pauses and shakes present. “Yep. Sounds like propaganda too.”

As we are opening presents Pop has turned the radio to a Christmas radio station. Commercials start and there’s a

“KISS MY ‘BLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEPPP’. KISS MY ‘BLEEEEPIN’ BLEEEEEEEEEEEEPPP.’ Did you hear me? KISS MY ‘BLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEPPPP’.

Father talks over the lovely radio program. “Anne, you want to open your present now?”

My eyes glowing with Christmas lights behind me and the house eerily silent, “Do you ever wonder why I sit so close to the tree every year?” CACCCCKKKLLLLLEEEE.

-Ben opens the game Cara gave them. “Party TIIIIIIME!” He squeals as he whips off his training bra and throws it across the room.

“Oooohhh what is this?” “Can I just say this is a FARCE? This is a charade.” -Mom says as she proceeds to wet her pants as Pop is genuinely surprised by a present he got himself. “Well look-ee here, the Rosetta Stone!”

“Aw, Ma, Pa, thank you.” Lean in for a hug– “NO TOUCHING THE FACE, NO TOUCHING THE FACE!”

Women cry 4x more easily than men because men only notice 40% of facial expressions whereas women notice 90%.

Watched our other traditional Christmas movie, “Scrooged”.

After the movie we finish up the night all brushing our teeth in the bathroom together and conversing about transgender issues and pot brownies.

“Merry Christmas, goodnight!”

Waking up at 11:30.

“God DAMN technology” screams of desperation from mother throughout the morning. I vocalized my intense distaste of luffas.

Making gingerbread cookies as a family and am repeatedly told I was being “belligerent” with my excessive use of flour, red hots and chocolate chips. A few good gingerbread men lost their heads in the process.

Joined parents in watching a really good Russian film. Then Cara came over and we played boardgames the rest of the night. One of the games was the game Cara gave us for Christmas. We had a lot of fun. Mom began recreational lying and Pop proved his ability to laugh out of his eyes. Ben drew pictures of monkeys with stretched out genitals.

Next we played Balderdash. In this game we learned that I am unable to keep from projecting myself onto others, as I always move someone else’s piece instead of my own. There was an appearance of a moldy orange. Cara is working on getting a new word in Webster’s dictionary for my obnoxiously loud cackle.

Drinking cinnamon coffee with my Dad, I made it through three chapters of the book I am reading right now: “The Dark Side: The Inside Story of How the War on Terror Turned into a War on American Ideals” by Jane Meyer. It is an extremely intriguing book and a fairly easy read. I am taking lots of notes for my law class next semester; very excited about it.

After reading I took a shower then went jogging. I never feel like jogging until right AFTER taking a shower, of course. It was super exhilarating jogging through the snow and ice, there is nothing like that.

When I got home I jumped on the piano and started playing Christmas songs. I have taken up playing piano again. I haven’t played sheet music in YEARS, but sat down the other day and it was just like riding a bike. It was all there. And it made me feel a little brilliant. So I’m playing everyday now, because everyone can use a bit of feeling brilliant every once in awhile. ;)

While I was playing Ben came over and, holding his hands in a prayer position and looking like a little saint sang along to the Christmas carols in earnest. And by sang I mean screeched. This went on for about twenty minutes or so until he lost his voice and I lost interest.

Next I sat and watched Ben and Pop make puppy chow. When it was done they sat it down on the table right next to me- and I ate for about 10 minutes solid. I couldn’t stop. And they were not noticing at all. So I consumed my weight in chocolate peanut butter powdered sugar goodness.

After awhile I realized that I was actually hungry and had a nice mushroom salad. Then I washed some dishes. Then I ended up blogging. OH! And I checked the classified for some jobs. Got my mp3 player updated and currently checking my emails.

Tonight we’re having hamburgers and then watching “It’s a Wonderful Life.” I’ll probably do some more SUPER IMPORTANT READING and then watch “The West Wing.”

Yesterday I auditioned for the Vagina Monologues. Let me start from the beginning.

I showed up to work yesterday in a horrible mood. Really angry at everyone in the world due to stress and birthing pains. Anyway. I filled my coffee mug and left the house with grace and the message: “Have a great day everyone, I hate you so goddamned much!” :)

At work Bart gave me a present from the office- a big bag full of candy, snacks and hot chocolate packets for finals, and a really sweet card from everyone. Then we packed the cars for the party and headed down to Tennessee St. where it was hosted- at a cute little bed and breakfast. We were super early- so Adrienne took me to Z’s espresso and bought me a large chai latte. She can be really sweet even though she, at other times, has ushered me into the hallway with my mohawk bedhead hair and made me pose, kneeling on the floor and cradling Matryoshka dolls in my arms for “photoshoots” for the department’s ad campaign as streams of people are file past. But THAT’s another story. She bought me a latte yesterday, and we talked about life on the porch.

She concluded, by the end of it, that I was just like her and would, most definitely, end up bitter and alone. And then we set up for the party.

We got all the food and the booze laid out all nice and pretty. I talked to Mariya a bit about her work- she is sending me the power point she presented in London a few weeks ago which I helped do research for last month! :) Next semester she wants me to help her do more research. How lucky did I get? She is so cool. :)

THEN, all my bosses crowded in the kitchen and took shots together. As they were holding up the glasses in a cheer, this Russian Studies student I’ve had my eye on the whole year walked in. Jumping at the chance to talk to him, I did what I always do when I’m nervous/happy/sad/calm/anxious. I made a joke. ;P

The minute my bosses tipped their shot glasses back to devour the luscious chocolate vodka, which makes an appearance at every single one of their get togethers, I turned to the cute guy and said, under my breath, “They’ve been doing this for the past TWO HOURS.” A split second later EVERYONE was choking on their chocolate vodka, laughing and crying. The other office secretary, Ben, got a BEAUTIFUL picture of this incident, and it will soon be on the department website, I’m sure. “You almost KILLED us!” they were all screaming with tears in their eyes, laughing. I don’t always get timing right, but that, that was a work of art.

Anyway. So I’m at the Russian Studies Christmas party on a raining cold December night with a bunch of awkward academics and students, so what do I do? I DRINK. Talked to Bulgarian lady I know, a few deans, and a Ukrainian professor who always shouts, “CNN!” when he sees me (because I take “PROFESSIONAL” paparaz pics at the Brownbags). Adrienne would periodically hand me her wine glass so she could take pictures, telling me not to let anyone “spit in it.” I would fill it up for her again by the time she had come back, making her eyes glow with affection. Ha. Talked to Ben about my future, and what I’m doing this May (which I would proceed to do, as the night went on, to every human being I came in contact with.) I was “off” work at six, and, fully liquored up, met Deb and Dan and walked back to the house. Back at the house, drunk at 6 pm, I run into one of the girls in the house I don’t particularly like at this point and juncture of my life. Regardless, she asked me if I wanted to go to audition for the Vagina Monologues with her right now, and I said yes. Because I did really want to audition. As I was walking out the back door I yelled at my wide-eyed housemates, “I WANT SOME CRAZY TONIGHT. I BETTER SEE SOME ‘LORD OF THE FLIES’ SHIT GOING DOWN WHEN I GET BACK!”

Showed up at the auditions and was instantly sobered. Dammit. I almost ran away, but I stuck through it. I did it. I read THREE different scripts of VAGINA LOVE. And then I went home feeling pretty satisfied with myself.

After I got back Deb, Dan and I went to Dillons and got mushrooms, broccoli and Alfredo and Fettuccine noodles with fancy cut Parmesan. Mmmm. Picked up a couple of bottles of red wine from the liquor store and went home and made dinner.

At some point during the cooking of our BEAUTIFUL dinner, I managed to light the noodles on fire. At this point I was completely sobered up, which makes it even more humorous. The noodles, hanging over the edge of the pot because they were long and hadn’t been broken yet, actually turned into flaming death sticks. Deb and I took about 10 minutes inefficiently transporting the death sticks to a bigger pot, and then I spent the next twenty minutes fishing black charred bits out of the boiling pasta. Oh, living the good life. ;)

The night was pretty unepic, which was okay with me. A week ago I had a GREAT night of rum and laughter, which I would love to tell you about another time, but from which I was still partially recovering from last night. But damn, we finished all the wine and all the pasta, and we played a good game of chess. Friday night accomplished. :)

This morning I took a shower, made coffee, then went into the living room with Erin to read and listen to jams. I sat through a few house meetings, played a game of chess with Robbie which, by the time it was over, practically the whole house was PERCHED on our shoulders, whispering advice to whichever of us they liked most.

Drinking tea with Trina- she was on her way to the Vagina Monologue tryouts today and I accompanied her. While she was auditioning there was another lady waiting to audition. She was old enough to be a mom, but nervous about going in there. She was asking me how it was and all, kind of sweet. Somehow we started talking about how she volunteers at the Willow Domestic Violence shelter, which me and Trina had just been saying we wanted to volunteer for. I spoke with her for about 15 minutes, just a complete stranger. I love those kind of interactions; you get to know someone SO WELL, but you never find out their names. :)

Anyway. I want to try it next semester. Jess, the “Monologues” director, did it through her college years and now she works there. It is a really recent and awesome project, and I think I might apply. After Trina’s audition we came back and talked for THREE HOURS. I really like her, she is super cool and interesting to talk to. Then we made dinner with a bunch of people from the house- pasta, potatoes and cookies. Yay for starches!

After that I was COMPLETELY knackered from all of the social interaction. Didn’t know what to do with my life. So I wrote my blog. And now I feel 100%. There is something so great about recording life. I know it might seen kind of pointless for me to recount my day to day activities, but to me it is a way to capture life and truly FEEL it. And I think that’s so worth it. Hope you get something out of my crazy rantings as well. :)

Beer and Red Velvet cake last night at Dan’s. Talked about life and played uke/guitar Eddie Vedder music together.

Last night I went to a KU event- Egypt 2013: The Muslim Brotherhood.

They had a panel of two Egyptians and one Egyptian religious studies professor. It was intriguing. Before the event I exchanged a few words with the most adorable little old Egyptian man. What I realized last night: it’s not the same just reading about faraway places. The best way to learn about a country is to speak to someone who is FROM there. AMAZING. My dream. I forgot how much I love speaking to people from different countries who are knowledgeable about the politics of their area. There is nothing to compare it to, for me. Anyway. Last night was great- then today at my capstone class, half of the students gave 10 minute presentations on their topics- and I was flying SO HIGH. One of the guys in my class, who I had not been able to figure out where he was from, told us all about his home in Paraguay and it was ENLIGHTENING. GOD. I realize that these are the people I most want in my life. I don’t NOT want people in my life- it’s just that I don’t want any old person taking up my time. I want perspective and knowledge and expansion and open minds. As I was leaving, I realized that I didn’t make eye contact with any of these people I had just had a great intellectual connection to in class tonight, because I am terrified of them. The thing I most want is the thing I am keeping myself from. I really need to get over my fear of people whom I like. I don’t like that many people, but when I do, I should give it a shot. Because THAT is what has been making me depressed. I have closed myself off to the world and lost faith in humanity because I am only seeing the same people everyday whom I have already determined as unproductive to my life. But even that assumption might be false. Had another really great interaction with one of the people in the house. Conversations and people are so much different when they are one to one it is astonishing and amazing and exhilarating for me. Though, I should know best, because my social face is a lot different than my one on one face as well.

Anyway. Good good good past 24 hours. Think I’m finally out of the hole. Checked out two great books today as well– and finally have a desire, a STRONG desire, to plunge through all the books lying around in my room as well. And to explore the world. And to take time to just listen to music. And not feeling the need to plug myself into a TV show to forget what’s going on now or to add excitement to life. Because when life takes off- so does your ambition.

So earlier this year when everything was happening and I was just like, I WISH IT COULD ALL SLOW DOWN—- No. The reason I wanted to do so many things was because I was participating in so many things already. Being involved attracts more  excitement and involvement. I can’t just pause DOING and just read- because I’ll forget what I’m reading FOR. Have to DO and THINK simultaneously. That, my friends, is being at one with the universe, that is the sublime.

I hope these silly anecdotes make me big bucks in the future– because right now I am ready to die.

“BRIAN! BRIAN!” Ushering Brian back to my room. “Tell me what to do with my life right now.”

Brian of course is silent.

“Do you want to hear it all? Do you really want to hear it?” (Screeching at this point)

I hop up onto my bedside table, now in the center of my room for only god knows why. Swinging my mug around in my hand like a drunken sailor I recount all of the different factors leading me to this particular roadblock in my life.

“FIRST of all. I am attempting to weatherize my window. But we don’t have enough plastic. And the tape is lost somewhere in my room. And it’s taken me FOREVER to get this far. And then I am worried, that if I DO accomplish weatherizing my window, the plastic will fall down in the night and suffocate me in my sleep. And then there is the thing of, is it even worth it to weatherize this window as I should probably just MOVE my bed away from the window? Isn’t that probably the priority? That will solve the suffocation fear AND the temperature. BUT to do that will take me a good hour and a half, and I absolutely HATE wasting time. So I don’t want to do it if I don’t have to. And then I might even be SWITCHING rooms soon if the fucking smoking below me doesn’t stop, and then where did all that wasted time go, huh? I’ll have to weatherize and move my furniture ALL OVER AGAIN ANYWAY. How bad is it, really? At what point can you die of the cold? But this is the only thing I WANT to do tonight. Because I am overwhelmed with other things so I am taking it out on my room and I know I shouldn’t focus on it but I CAN’T DECIDE WHERE TO GO FROM HERE-”

At this point Erin and, of course, my guy crush walk in. Erin cracks up and guy crush is smiling in a bewildered amazement at my sitting cross legged atop my table in a tank top, shorts and keds with a big Russian fur cap.

I continue to screech (I have found I need to fill ALL silences with my own voice). And before I know it, these two people are in my room looking through my room for the roll of tape, and stumbling across all of my most intimate things.

“No guys, really, don’t worry about it. Oh,- he’s going under the bed. I’m not responsible for anything you find under there (Nervous laugh). Really guys, don’t worry about it, let’s all just go to the bar and forget this ever happened. Oh- those things definitely are not mine, I don’t know how they got in my room. Oh- you’re going through my underwear drawer now, thanks, I’m sure that’s where I left it.”

Superhero boy crush finds tape roll after CRAWLING UNDER MY BED, pulling it out to discover the tape has run out.

“Oh yeah— that was why I stopped weatherizing in the first place…”

This shit couldn’t write itself.

At this point I’ve established myself as an idiot. And it is apparent that something needs to happen where I invite them to stay for awhile or I need to shoo them out of my room (because for some odd reason people never seem to be able to excuse themselves. Go figure. That is my #*$&@(# FORTE.)

So anyway, I babble away for a few minutes while meandering through my room in an attempt to push them out with VIBES, and it is working, as they are slowly drifting toward the door. Of course the exit is always the most crucial part of any interaction, and as cute boy is leaving the room I am yammering on about WINE. How I got to this point I have no #*@($%^ idea. But this is what I’m on about. Maybe it is a subconscious ploy to get boy crush inebriated so I can take advantage of him. I’M JOKING! But maybe…

ANYWAY. Ended this merry interaction with hastily discussing the pros and cons of box wine.

I accidentally accepted the invitation on facebook- just to remind me to go to them this year- and then tonight the director came over. “So I saw you’re showing up for the Vagina Monologue auditions?”

My Latin teacher told me my essay was “not quite what she was looking for.”

At work Danika and I watched pink and blue sunset against the defined branches of the dark trees.

Then we smelled gas coming out of the vents and realized we were going to die at work.

Walking home after work- always stare at this dude across the street because I feel like I know him– he looks so familiar. And, like clockwork, after he passes me he turns around and looks at me. Today I realized for the first time, maybe he’s not looking at me because of my hot bod, but because he’s trying to figure out why the FUCK this crazy girl is staring at him. Hhaa. Must stop this cycle.

Also always pass one of Erin’s friends at the same spot on the way home every Monday/Wednesday. He’s adorable and sweet. At first we just made awkward eye contact and the obligatory nod, as we weren’t sure we were supposed to recognize each other. Now it has evolved into brief cute fluffy conversation that leaves us both smiling. We should probably elope.

Am going to cause drama tonight at the meeting.

Because, I mean, seriously. Smoking in the BASEMENT? I have no care at all if you want to smoke in the house, but let’s have a science lesson and life lesson really quick:

1. Smoke RISES.

2. If I don’t smoke I probably am not going to want to be breathing every single fucking thing you light up.

My room is SUPER small, and is right above the party room where everyone goes to smoke in the basement. How could I have known when I was moving in? I couldn’t have. I signed a fucking piece of paper that said there was absolutely NO smoking the house, anyway. It’s just interesting to me which rules in the house we sign into law and all of the “you shall be STONED if you cross that line,” but other rules are not even acknowledged. It makes me take all of the other tedious fucking rules a whole lot less seriously.

Plus we HAVE a smoking room upstairs! JUST for smoking! Can you be respectful of other’s choices and make use of resources? ANY ROOM in the upstairs would be fine. Then are like TWENTY FIVE ROOMS TO CHOOSE FROM. But I had to choose the jackass stupid room right over the fire pit.

So I will bring it up. Because before I didn’t want to piss off everyone in the house, but now I couldn’t give a flying fuck. And I think I need to address it and get it out so that I don’t develop even MORE anger. Because I don’t like being angry. I’m not an angry person. But when you start smoking me out of my own room I am fucking paying for with my 20 hour workweek while you sit around the house and blow giggle, then I really don’t care how you find what I have to say anymore.

So I get off work at 5 on M/W/F and usually slide down the hill back to my house/bed regardless of the COUNTLESS commitments I make to myself and friends to study at the library after work. While walking down the hill I ALWAYS tell myself the only reason I am going home is because I am going to go running. But the shoes never get on my feet and I end up watching Glee or some other trash to waste away my life. The moments in between work and dinner are never proud times for me.

Dinner is at 6:30. I will have made COUNTLESS trips to the kitchen before this, interrupting all the hard work the dinner crew is putting in with my 1, 2, 3, 4 bowls of instant oatmeal I make and 1,2, 3, 4 refills of my water bottle. You would think I had just gotten back from breakthrough Siberian exploration. I always ask, “What time do you think dinner will be?” in my sweet sappy voice, so that I can set my alarm clock for exactly that time. Then I will wander back to my room, set the alarm, grab a book, and be out in 2 and a half seconds flat.

My alarm goes off and the bell ringer comes through the halls to announce that dinner is served. I scramble to get out the door. Though my room is the ABSOLUTE CLOSEST you can be to the kitchen, I am always the ABSOLUTE LAST in the line of 40 people for dinner. Share a bit of awkward small talk back and forth with whoever I’m in the back of the line with. And then either decide that this person is  a complete idiot or else destined to be my soul mate.

DINNER

Dinner is always superb. I think it’s about the only thing I tell you about concerning my life at the Co-op. Don’t worry, that is all changing now. I want to let you know every single juicy morsel that comes out of this place.

Here’s what I have.

I have a schedule where I get up at 7 every morning, and proceed to hammer my alarms every 10 minutes for the next two hours. I have already slightly injured two of them.

Then, depending on what time it is when I pull my sorry ass out of bed, I take a shower, throw on some warm clothes, plug my headphones in and start the long trek up the hill to work or school. Monday/Wednesday/Friday I start my mornings off with work, Tuesday/Thursday they start off with school.

Today is a Monday- so I’m at work this morning. At work I usually set a plan for myself for the day- which is nice to have the freedom. I’ll usually upload a few videos to the Russian Studies homepage, and then do a lot of news surfing and a little bit of sassy Latin prep.

I have Latin after working for two hours- and Latin is an interesting class. There are about 10 people in the class- and every day it is a constant challenge for me NOT TO MAKE EYE CONTACT WITH ANY OF THEM. I have realized I can be a highly judgmental person, seeing as I have already decided that any interaction with any of them will be a complete and utter waste of my time. There is this girl in the class who has been hitting on my since DAY ONE. And you would think the fact that I have avoided all of her odd advances would mean something, but of course not. It is just making me all the more desirable. The way to get people to tire of me, apparently, is to TALK to them.

After Latin, I usually go home and shower. Because the previous statement about me showering in the morning is a complete and utter boldfaced lie. I NEVER get up in time to prepare myself as an acceptable member of society– so I take my afternoon break to do just that. My afternoon self is a COMPLETELY different person than my morning self. I am bright and cheery and confident and cocky. I’m sure the people I regularly interact with in the morning would barely recognize me. I am on FIRE, doing a million things at once and ready to take on the world. After getting in such a good mood it is usually hard for me to drag myself back up the hill to work, but then I remember that I can do whatever the fuck I want at work, and all is good with the world. I usually spend my time loading videos while researching subversive material and drinking tea, pinky up.

I want England.

I want foggy romantic walks to uni and coffee machines and biking and rain and hilarious authors whose books I cannot read now without having them shipped halfway across the world.

I want pubs again. I want to have a casual pint in the afternoon and get a little bit drunk in between classes. I want accents and differences.

I want a new culture that I can learn about. I want to go shopping at ASDA and have them look at my chip-less debit card like I am a freak of nature. I want to buy wine at the same time as I buy my milk.

I want to read the bloody metro newspaper and come home with soaking wet socks. I want to feel like I can do anything again.

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