Back in America

I have made a ceaseless effort not to ridicule, not to bewail, not to scorn human actions, but to understand them.

Spinoza

Last European/English person I spoke to before I flew across the ocean—

A cute little British/Indian man at security. In my sleepy/dazed rush I had forgotten to put my liquids in a plastic bag. But he got me a bag, and an EXTRA one, and got everything sorted for me. So sweet. And then he was all, did you enjoy your stay? Where did you study? Yeah, Leicester, of course I know Leicester! Will you be back??

I said yes.

First impression of America while standing in the passport line: Americans are nerdy. All these men and women in tennis shoes with shorts and high socks. Bright annoying colors and loud and uncool conversation.Window seat on the flight to Kansas City.

Smallest plane I have ever been in– only three seats across.

Met a funny lady waiting in O’Hare airport for my Kansas City flight. She was waiting for a Greensboro NC flight. Hippie, smoker’s voice, hilarious and friendly. Apparently they had kept switching the gates, and she was terrified she would miss it. So she was keeping close tabs on the only other person she knew was going that way. A man that she kept following, who was trying to get rid of her. He was this really posh uptight old man. It was really funny. “He would just DIE if I got the seat next to him on the plane!” Hahah. She kept popping up, and she made me laugh each time she updated me on the man’s attempt to lose her in the crowd. It was QUITE funny.

Pilot announced there would be high winds arriving in Kansas– and I was prepared for the worst.

But it turned out to be the smoothest, and most zen flight I have ever been in my life. I take that as a sign that this should definitely NOT be my last flight. :)

From far above- watched the pink sun setting over the beautiful flat skyline. Orange, yellow, blue, green, red, purple.

Sun sets. Little pocket towns glowing in the haze.So weird that my bed’s out there somewhere somewhere on the skyline.

Want to live an ordinary American life this year. But want to share it all, HAVE to share it all with my beautiful friends outside this life.

On plane, remembered when I was in Barcelona and had to get drunk at nine in the morning in order to have the courage to get on the plane? Glugging/gulping cheap red wine out of my faithful blue waterbottle on the aircoach.

“Americans. Cannot live with them and CANNOT live without them.

Army guy in front of me on plane helps me put my luggage up. And then gets it all down for me after we land. Completely unprompted, just did it. Really sweet.

On plane, so weird to me, everyone talking in my accent! It’s almost abrasive to my now foreign ears. Ha. Whoever thought hearing my own accent would be strange. :)

“You alright?” NEVER got over that, after ALL my time in England. Then caught myself saying it to the lady next to me on the plane!

Pilot’s Chicago accent so lovely.

Bridget Jone’s Diary life.

Jason Segel and Andy from the office movie. Really nice, funny. But played endlessly for the 8 hour flight across the Atlantic. Ha.

Sasquashes

Melodramatic lovely dry humor.

xylophones

one with the universe

Home. :)

“Our dreams will break the boundaries of our fears” XXXX

Back it up and do it again

organic

Matt and Joe’s horror stories about Greece. And getting passport stolen in Estonia.

Fearless again. Restless again. Starting to plan again. :)

You don’t know what you have til it’s gone.

Stay in these planes. So worth it. Too many wonderful people out there to stay in one place. ALWAYS worth it.

CANNOT live life missing what’s not there though. Just appreciate what have.

Forever young.

WATERFOUNTAINS the minute I walk onto American territory. BEAUTIFUL. The thing I missed MOST about this country (besides my family, of course ;)). Hadn’t seen/used a waterfountain in nine months. Now I cannot get enough of them. And they are EVERYWHERE you go. It’s the small things you take for granted. :)

It’s sad to think that my European friends are going to bed right now— while it is bright and sunny for me here. Upsetting. But I’m lucky to have people to miss.

Crazy. BRIGHT LIGHT I haven’t seen all year. Crazy.

secret sharers

32 C= 90 F outside

Sleepless. Go on three hours- easy. Just be excited about life always.

Always take what you have, change it up when you need to.

SO EXCITED TO BE BACK IN THE UNITED STATEEEEEEES!

Luggage door fell open on landing. Shared hesitant smiles with the rest of the passengers.

Picture perfect.

Life goal: zen.

Reaffirmed.

River winding.

Unromantic condensation in plane– air vents raining on me. :P

Wyoming woman in Chicago airport— “You flew all this way by yourself??!”

Yes.

The night before I left Europe, everyone was complimenting me on my nice hair. It was doing what it was supposed to do– the bangs swooping across my forehead and all. A few glasses of wine later and it was all atop my head in my classical palm tree contraption. “I KNEW, as soon as I saw your hair earlier this evening, that it would look like that in a few hours” -Loic :P

Heard some Dublin boys speaking in Heathrow airport as I left Europe. Broke down in tears. It’s funny the things that make you cry.

*Chipotle: “Brown of white rice?

Stare at server blankly for a full half a minute. What has this country become since I left? MORE choices at bloody Chipotle?

Consumed a three pound burrito in little over three minutes. It is just as otherworldly as I remember it. Decided it would be a good idea immediately after I had finished to spin around in my mother’s swivel chair like a ten year old child. Turns out it’s NOT a very good idea.

“If I’d have lived with you this year, Gma and Gpa? Grandma would be swearing like a sailor and Grandpa would have killed a man by now.

“Oh. It’d have been fine. We’d have just locked you in the closet” –Gma

Had to get a bloody librarian to help me print something at my own UNIVERSITY WHICH I HAVE GONE TO FOR TWO YEARS PRIOR. Everything’s changed. It’s not boding very well for my bigheaded senior ego I wanted to carry around campus with me this year.

Trying to escape unnoticed as per usual… AH FRUG! “Have a good day!” *Peace sign and big smile from adorable mustached hipster guy at Third Planet.  Ego boost right back up.

It’s the hair. I’m in love.

A barrage of friendliness from orange hair black rim glasses written review Raven guy. Myself nodding and hiding behind the safely of the stacks literally shrinking in size. I have no hope for successful human interaction.

Create life in every moment. The secret.

Americani dream

“so many constitutional scholars on facebook today…”

Gold Fields “lost our way/that’s okay”

Counterculture chitchat

Exposing everything as a construction

Dada

Yunks

You alright?

Ages

No time for you

tiring midwestern dialogue while waiting in Licensing Office:

“he’s a bottomless pit! Tell her how much you ate last night! Tell her how often you have wresting practice! Tell her when the next tournament is! Tell her how big Bobby is! Tell her”

“Oh! My daughter. She looks like she is twelve years old! I feel so bad for her. She is blowin in the wind. She eats only this and she doesn’t eat that.”

OH GOD. Oh– look– some excitement maybe—

“F$*^ YOU PEOPLE! I’m FOUR MONTHS PREGNANT AND WE’VE WAITED HERE FOR TWO HOURS! WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE BLAH BLAH BLAH”

Couple storm out of office with all eyes on them, letting a stream of profanities vomit out of their mouths. Jesus.

They leave and the conversation returns to normal, but with a special bond between everyone now, as we all “can’t believe” those “outrageous people.”

“I heard there is a town in Kansas where they outlawed screaming in public! Now you know, my Danny, he’ll eat enough for TWO pregnant women tonight after practice…”

So simple. But sweet in a way.

Okay. The middle aged moms with jewels and crosses kill me. But the buff tanned boys are eye candy for someone who has only seen pale skinny Englishmen all year.

I set my alarm for 9:30 this morning.

Two hours of alarm clock hell later I finally dragged myself out of bed and down to the kitchen where I watched my Dad cut up a pineapple. After he was done I consumed said pineapple.

I went downtown and ran some errands: returning overdue library books of which I have never lifted the cover of, hiding my face to avoid interaction with human beings and past co-workers as I bought scrapbook materials at Target and finally marching proudly into the movie theatre and asking for a three fifty refill of popcorn with extra butter.

I came home with my stash of popcorn and my stealthily bought scrapbook pages and   Pa, Ma, Ben and I all played Scrabble while we stuffed our faces with greasy popcorn.

After this, I lost all will to live and had no earthly idea what to do for the rest of the day.

It didn’t help that it was ungodly hot this afternoon, and my room is like a solar panel attracting the sun’s rays. I lay like a lizard falling in and out of sleep on my bedroom floor for a good part of the afternoon.

Around five I went to city park and read under a tree while a band played at Arts in the Park. I came home around 6:30, went for a light jog, then came home and ate no-bake cookies and drank coffee with my parents while we watched “Outnumbered.”

All in all, it was a completely unproductive day, but sometimes you need days like these every once in awhile to remind you that life is happening.

The Sky Below- Stacey D’Erasmo

The narrator, Gabriel, recounts his life with all it’s twists and turns and quandaries. Enchanting and haunting story told with enveloping metaphors and evolving detail. Great character voice and perspective.

Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason- Helen Fielding

Bridget and Mark Darcy have broken up and Bridget’s once again “singleton” life takes a much more dramatic turn than the first book, making it quite an enjoyable and unpredictable read.

The Uncoupling- Meg Wolitzer

This novel is based on the Greek play Lysistrata; an ancient drama where the women deny the men sex to end a war. This idea is set into lighthearted modern context in this fluffy novel. The writing is well done, even if the subject matter is a bit simple.

On Wednesday Ma and Pa went to McPherson to check out new houses, and had a good time with their friends Mary and Kevin. Ben and I went to Kansas City.

We went to the Shakespeare festival with Grandma. Halfway through the beautiful outdoor play, we were all rolling our eyes at one another. A rendition of a Midsummer Night’s Dream, it was overly slapstick and quite painful for lengths of time. We three found ourselves exchanging rolled eyes and exasperated sighs. The funniest part of the play was Grandma turning to us during a particularly tedious part of the play and expressing, “Good God!”

We also went to visit Great Grandma Dhooge in the hospital as she had broken her hip recently. She seemed to be doing good though. We also went to visit Great Grandma Treff, and Ben and I communicated to her via the dry erase board and exchanged biting remarks to each other which made her laugh. She really liked my hair, she said it was BEAUTIFUL. :)

Grandpa was really busy the whole time, which was a shame because we didn’t get to see him much. Next time. :)

The morning we left Grandma made blueberry pancakes and scrambled eggs and cantaloupe. Exquisite meal.

Ben and I drove home listening to talk radio and cursing out various peoples and places. Good sibling bonding time.

Getting on really well with Dan’s friend named Ken. He was super cute and super funny.

At some point during the night though, it was brought to our attention that both our last names are Windholz.

WHAT THE HELL.

We both have the same freaking “Johannes and Madalega Windholz Family” book in our closets back home. This was both horrible and hilarious. How could we have helped it? The Windholz family is just full of really attractive Germans. And also full of lots of inter-familial marriages… haha.

“Do you know family history, Ken?” “Yeah, we’re volga germans, right? The name means wind wood”

Such a fun night. Really funny I’m sure. I wish I was able to remember all the great conversations we had, but Dan kept dishing out great drinks so my memory got a little hazy. Very fun, and confusing night for all of us, I think. Haha.

Going through a box of my notes, scribbled onto receipts, scraps and tickets. Most are crumpled with bleeding ink- as they almost perished in the bloody English rain, but were saved by my carefully placing of them on the radiator to dry throughout the year.

Memories.

Excepts from journal after started drinking at Dan’s:

“Infinite amount of adorable people

take time

endless hours lost with debbo.

frugging options

Story about “unmentionable” friend peeing pants freshman year at a party.

LOVE

chatting with a windholz over freshbaked chocolate brownie cookies in the middle of the night

INTO THE WILD SOUNDTRACK

margaritas

finish projects. wood carvings. paintings.

reading history. biology degree

imperfectable

hookah freshman year

debs forth day wearing

renaissance man

blended iced coffee with mint schnapps

shapes with hands

memorize names

pierced deb’s nose!

hoops

tea with randy freshman year

citar player lied center october with deb

pandora station nora jones dad

earth flag outside house. represent.

flea market in sun

books

Pennsylvania streets by the tracks

likes us because we sweat.

running in the heat of the day

‘you can tell annie i look forward to atheism talk when i get back’

churidar pants from india

dan going into holistic medicine

liberty hall

two new awesome, adjusted, interesting friends

holed up in room for weeks at a time- when im not let’s play

eddie vetter- went into wild and wrote album in two weeks

volga german power

projects

the projects

outbursts and all

Deb and I went back to the old apartment and hung out with Jess for a few hours. It was so odd being back in the old place. With someone else living in my room, but everything else the same. Really was a nice apartment, just too isolated. Jess and I stretched together just like the old days- and laughed and joked and it was a really really good night. Something about those two girls really calms me. We may not have that much in common- but they did teach me how to RELAX. I’m still working on perfecting the art of it- but they are the ones that really gave me the environment to take the first steps. Jessdebani.

Sitting on chairs outside on our backporch last year eating puppy chow and all cuddling up underneath a blanket as the rain poured down and epic lightning put on a show for us.

Deb picked my up around four on campus and we went back to the Sunflower house. Most of the people living there right now are moving out in August- so didn’t get to meet many of my future housemates. But the time will come. :)

Hung out with Randy for a bit. Walked Mass and caught up on the past year. Randy has gotten sassy. It’s wonderful. :) The thing is, everyone is really starting to come into themselves. The person they’ve always been is becoming more apparent, as well as the person they are GOING to be. People are lovely.

Randy and I took turns sitting in a big armchair and pretending to tell one another’s fortunes. We also went to Urban and I dressed him up different outfits. I’m sure everyone thought he were dating. Ha. Randy has a girlfriend now– has for the past seven months! I’m so happy for him. So so happy. But I am now the Ted Mosby of my friends- as EVERYONE is in long term, blossoming relationships.

I’m not bitter though- I have imaginary Noah whom I have never met but have exchanged one text with and fallen hopelessly in SOMETHING with him. Haha. Didn’t end up seeing him yesterday as I was so busy and he was playing a concert in KC that night.

A Long Way Down– Nick Hornby

Fluffy and fun dark humor about four strangers who chance to meet on top of a tower on New Years Eve as they are all about to top themselves. Stopping each other from following through, they become a dysfunctional and lovely support group for one another.

I really like Hornby’s writing style, he has great voice, and is able to balance four different and unique character perspectives with ease. He is one of those writers whom you automatically trust; the minute you start reading you are invited into his world and offered a comfy seat with tea and biscuits.

Booky Wook– Russell Brand

(I snuck this book out of my brother’s closet to read it- and I only SLIGHTLY dogeared the pages. He will most likely kill me.)

Juicy and engaging, this book keeps you on your toes as you are welcomed with a warm embrace into the mind of Russell Brand as he recounts his life thus far. From hilarious anecdotes about his pet hamsters as a kid to horrifying narratives of drug addiction and desperation, this book is not for the weak of humor or heart. Really good writing, a pleasure to pick up to read.

Germinal– Emile Zola

Just couldn’t get into it. I might give it another go sometime, skipping ahead to the revolution part when I do. But my impression of the first fifty pages: If I wanted realism I could just walk outside my front door. (Of course, I don’t have a coal mine outside my door, but you know what I mean. Give me some magic.)

In my opinion, the best writing is when you write about the everyday things, but give them the spice of a personal voice. Zola is known for his realist writings though, so in that sense he accomplishes what he sets out to do. It’s just not my cuppa.

The Night Carnival– Erin Morgenstern

I have wanted to read this book for AGES. It’s been out for a year but I still had to put my name on the waiting list for it, so I was expecting great things. I have heard it referred to as the next Harry Potter!

A it turns out, this should have been my first clue. What other book has been compared to Harry Potter? The Bloody Twilight series. And what book is similar in hype and quality to the Twilight series? The Bloody Hunger Games. And what book is like a hybrid of these two atrocious books? The FRUGGING Night Carnival.

Honestly I really wanted to give it a chance. I wanted to lose myself in the book. I made it to page 65 out of 400 or so though and then gave up all hope. Skimmed to the end and it was just as bad as the bloody beginning. Short, choppy sentences of no importance or vocabulary, barely audible drama and a flair for the dull.

Best day in a long long time. Everything just seemed to go perfectly.

“Well I met an old man dying on a train/ No more destination no more pain/ But he said one thing, ‘Before I graduate, never let your fear decide your fate’

/I say you kill your heroes and fly fly baby don’t cry/ No need to worry cus everybody will die/ Everyday we just go go go/ Don’t you worry we love you more than you know”

Hiked up the campus in the blistering heat, it was 107 that day. Pure love.

Had a meeting with my new GIST advisor, who said I am more than ready to graduate in the spring. She set me up for early graduation auditing, so I will know for sure when I graduate this spring I am 100% done, and can just focus on job hunting and starting internships that spring.

Got outside and checked my phone. A call about an interview for a secretarial position in the Graduate Research studies office. Set that up. Then went to journalism meeting.

Journalism advisor said can do ANYTHING with ANY degree. Her degree was business, and now she is an advisor for journalism students. The title of degrees don’t matter as much as the fact that one has a degree and a direction they want to take it. She set me up with the UCC which helps KU students find internships and jobs. They will help me get into the journalism world.

Stopped by the Sociology office and gave Janelle a hug and talked and caught up. Gave her my schedule for the year- and she said it looked like just what they were looking for. Said she would let me know in three weeks. :)

After this I stopped by the CREES (Center for Russian and Eastern European Studies) as I had received an email the night before for a job interview to be a front desk secretary.

I was wearing flip flops and a tank top and running shorts and sweating like a pig- but the lady decided to just do the interview right then! I offered to change but she was like, no no no! She went and got me a glass of ice water! Really good vibes. She got the department together in a room and we talked for about 30-45 minutes. It was really not bad at all. They were all really interesting and informal people. Found myself using mild swear words during the interview. Haha.

Anyway. They were really interested in the fact that Pop got his masters from the department 20 years ago! Told them he still reads Russian books before bed and all. :) I told them about my study abroad year (which is REALLY going to help me in the long term, I can already tell. It is like CANDY for employers) my secretarial experience, and how my degree focuses on Western Europe, so I would be very interested in having Eastern European experience!

Really really fun people. Liked them all a lot. They will let me know by the end of next week what they think.

“I love atmosphere; creating good vibes in the room is what I strive for. Coffee, music, lively conversation and a good book is my nirvana. I highly value my personal time as well though, solo jogs and days filled with reading and writing. I love to travel and be in new environments; I want to meet as many different people in my life as I can and live as many different places as possible. I feel like change is a part of life that humans never have and never will be comfortable with, unless we embrace it.” -excerpt from coop application

HOLY SHIT.

Talking to Deb on the phone, and she was saying her friend from the Coop kept asking about me every time he saw her. He’s apparently really interested in me from my application. So I went back and read it. And I frugging SOLD myself. Haha. I feel like it’s EHarmony or something– him having read my application and deciding we could give it a go. Where is his bio? I want his bio!! Admittedly, the first time Debbie told me about him I super facebook stalked him, alas to no avail. This time though, I just flipped shit and asked Deb an EMBARASSING amount of questions about him. All very good answers, if I do say so myself. Actually, he sounds like he IS myself. Myself with a band and a beard. I’ve always wanted to date myself, a lovely narcissistic romance. T’would be wonderful.

Anyway. Might or might not meet him tomorrow. Not sure which scenario I am more terrified of happening.

Anyway. Tell me to calm down, yeah? Why oh WHY do all great things happen at the same time? Got a email for an interview in the Russian and Eastern European Culture Department tonight as well. Going to meet Deb and Randy after my FIVE meetings tomorrow, then we will maybe/maybe not meet my cosmic soulmate. Then will help Deb move the rest of her furniture into the Coop with Dan, then will probably swig wine, watch movie and discuss year’s spicy developments.

Walked into one of those treasure troves waiting out in the universe for me. I’m pretty sure this experience is going to change my life.

Also pretty sure I met either my future husband and/or future gay best friend forever; ridiculous orange hair standing straight up on his head, barefoot, easygoing and awesome. We shook hands on it.

———————————————————————

After a morning of advisor appointments and filling out paperwork on campus, I was a bit frazzled and ready to get the house appointment over with. I was really nervous about walking in door to the Co-op though, had to will myself through it by promising myself a Chipotle burrito as a reward after.

Inside, there was a bulletin board with tons of local events, volunteer information and sign up. To the left was a huge room with seven or eight eclectic couches in a cozy circle. To the right was a huge dining hall with two great big wooden tables. The kitchen was behind a bar, and I went up to a girl sitting eating lunch on one of the stools.

She helped me find the guy who had the keys to the room, he was in the basement.

We stomped down the stairs. At the bottom, to the left, there was a huge TV/game room, someone was watching TV on the couch. To the right there was a library which I didn’t really get a chance to check out. I’m sure there are a lot of hidden gems I didn’t get to check out, but will have the pleasure of learning about this year. :)

Anyway, we all went back upstairs and checked out the empty rooms. There was the smell of incense and character on the top floor, but I ended up choosing a big room on the main floor with great vibes. It was right by the back door- right across from a door with a poster of Munch’s “The Scream.” I have one big window which looks out the side of the house and a good sized closet.

So I signed the paperwork for the room, said I’d see them in a few months, and headed back out into the Kansas heat.

The thing I loved most about the house was the sense of family camaraderie between everyone; easy to talk to, but talking was not necessary. It was absolutely LOVELY.

A true hippie haven, simple people just living life. A real underground family I’ve stumbled upon.

Thank you, universe.

Crime and Punishment – Fyodor Dostoevsky

Make sure you have a light read on hand to dilute this strenuous expedition into the criminal mind as old Dosto tackles the dual relationship between what is expected and what one’s own mind can conceive of.

Literature and Longing in L.A. -Jennifer Kaufman and Karen Mack

Every recluse’s secret pleasure is fulfilled in this cozy cafe read. Chock full of stellar quotes, pretentious literary references and a lot of lovely fluff, this book was a pleasure after my Dostoevsky breakdown.

Hector and the Search for HappinessFrancois Lelord

Adorably naive and seemingly insightful for the first few chapters, the rest of the book feels like you are dragging your feet through the mud.

Tidbits from this summer at Target :)

“I got up early and had coffee this morning for YOU?”

Stocking up on paper products

Nose ring on the wrong side?

“People don’t realize how STRANGE they can be.”

Where ya wanna go? Russia?

“My parents went on their honeymoon to Russia. During the COLD WAR. That’s my parents for ya.”

Non conversing shifty eyed cat litter customers

“No, I’m kidding, God just hates YOU” (told to me by some random stranger. haha)

Sweaty palmed trading card collectors

Arabic Spy.

Foot invasion.

“Just had a stroke last night so —No, I’m kidding!” hahahah lady made me feel so awkward and then we both laughed

‘Why was this unlocked?’ –The WARden

‘Don’t you want a metal coffee thermos? No? You sure? I think you probably do. Yes? Okay. And a lid? Yes. No? I think you probably should. No? Okay, love you.’

Chin hair of evil.

Cutcake cutcake cutcake have some cutcake. (No idea what this was referencing… any ideas?)

“And thanks for not dying”

“My pleasure.”

Life is so odd.

‘Want to hang out? Phone number. Postcard? Address. Social Security number and birthday as well?’ interrogating my co-worker

Caught up in the same lies.

Kindness to a fault.

Organic. Unphased.

‘married 10 years and just NOW going in the baby aisle.’

‘Pregnancy fitness video—what is this supposed to mean??’ Cutest couple ever. :) LOVE.

Freedom. All mine. My Mind.

RUN.

‘You didn’t ask them where they lived?!’

‘We know where they live. We’ve seen them walking over there. We’ll look it up in the phone book if we have to.

Social life 101: You’re supposed to feign ignorance, not use evidence you’ve sneakily compiled over the years to come to conclusions.

Handing out jobs like candy.

Adorable little Russian lady with adorable little Russian hat. ‘Count the change for me?’

Jim- harry potter books.

Two weeks later: Jim- harry potter movies.

Other books people bought at Target: REACHING for stupidity.

Order a shitload of jeggings.

The minute our eyes meet, it’s high school all over again.

“I didn’t sleep at all last night.” Iced mocha. Redbull. Tea. Cheese. ‘I’m a pharmacist.’ :P

String tooth… “what if I had a tooth like this?”

Symbolic logic.

Wordless scurrier

WEDGE in the converstaion. Sneaky. :) Don’t realize you were being bitchy until the next day when they realize something is bothering them, but can’t quote put their finger on in… :P

Jack Kerouac:

  1. Scribbled secret notebooks, and wild typewritten pages, for yr own joy
  2. Submissive to everything, open, listening
  3. Try never get drunk outside yr own house
  4. Be in love with yr life
  5. Something that you feel will find its own form
  6. Be crazy dumbsaint of the mind
  7. Blow as deep as you want to blow
  8. Write what you want bottomless from bottom of the mind
  9. The unspeakable visions of the individual
  10. No time for poetry but exactly what is
  11. Visionary tics shivering in the chest
  12. In tranced fixation dreaming upon object before you
  13. Remove literary, grammatical and syntactical inhibition
  14. Like Proust be an old teahead of time
  15. Telling the true story of the world in interior monolog
  16. The jewel center of interest is the eye within the eye
  17. Write in recollection and amazement for yourself
  18. Work from pithy middle eye out, swimming in language sea
  19. Accept loss forever
  20. Believe in the holy contour of life
  21. Struggle to sketch the flow that already exists intact in mind
  22. Don’t think of words when you stop but to see picture better
  23. Keep track of every day the date emblazoned in yr morning
  24. No fear or shame in the dignity of yr experience, language & knowledge
  25. Write for the world to read and see yr exact pictures of it
  26. Bookmovie is the movie in words, the visual American form
  27. In praise of Character in the Bleak inhuman Loneliness
  28. Composing wild, undisciplined, pure, coming in from under, crazier the better
  29. You’re a Genius all the time
  30. Writer-Director of Earthly movies Sponsored & Angeled in Heaven

“The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn, like fabulous yellow Roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars, and in the middle, you see the blue center-light pop, and everybody goes ahh…”

We live about thirty minutes away from a very large military base.

Growing up, a few times a day, there would be loud BOOMS that shook the house. Sometimes objects fell off shelves because of the sheer force of the vibrations.

It used to scare us a bit when we were little, but as we grew up, we got used to it, as everyone did.

“Fort Riley’s going at it again,” we’d announce, laughing, as we straightened the pictures that had been shaken sideways on the wall. It was only the army engaging in artillery practice, after all.

The audio of warzone practice has become a typical background noise to the rush of our busy daily lives. People continue reading the paper, drinking their coffee, chatting with old friends, pulling weeds and watching sports as the ground beneath their feet seems to shake. We don’t even notice it, this is life as normal. It’s just Fort Riley. The sound is so familiar it is almost a bit comforting. But we hardly ever think about what the sound actually means.

If this sound were occurring, not in the very center of the US but instead somewhere like Iraq or Afghanistan, the sound would not be a comforting routine of daily life, but rather the knowledge that someone, most likely MANY, had died.

And that sound that we hear everyday, is the preparation for exactly that.

I’d like to say that we should think about this every time we hear this noise, but who wants to do that? I certainly don’t. I prefer to think of it as some type of abstract thunder. But, every once in awhile, we should think of what it really means. What it means to people just like us, who just chanced to be born an ocean away.

You guys can skip over this part of the blog if you want. I’m covering the past three weeks in words and sounds that will make no sense to anyone other than myself. I just want to get ideas down for things to write about in the future. And I’m too lazy to explain it all now. Got shit to DO!

Vodka gummy bears (of course that is the first thing I write….)

Bubble tea

Kahl’s dog babysat

Sunflowers

Yellow schoolbuses

Sallow eyed brit girls

Leisurely social murder mystery.

“Suspense. What artists live for; the future.”

Cape Canaveral

Placidly return to meal.

Transparent

Strive

Explain upfront  two hours max soc.

Best explanation: Writer. No questions asked.

The frenchies

“the essence of romance lies in insecurity”

Proud of

Hit and miss

Good practice

Good material

Here and there

And following

Kempts

“it’s the anne show, again” –ben

“the most disturbing sounds come out of your mouth” –ben

Caffeine info

That Mitchell and webb look

Ides of march

Soko

Jk rowling 27th September

Coffee with osc wilde mystery

Picture of dorian gray

Stop worrying, love

Big eyed drink like pa

Story with ben

“hydrogenated water”

“but that was then and this is now”

All

No obligations

Chaos order

Easy to say hard to believe

Kiss

Clock

Big break in 3 and parents retired in 5 years.

“International Love” song

What I loved about the city: Not that I HAD something to do every night but instead that I had the OPPORTUNITY to do something everynight. To be in the center of it all. Get it back.

“I wear my magic smile/ just for you”

Payphone

Change

“our skin is like grass let’s smoke it real fast”

Caesars- last pity run

Intern. Love laugh live.

Set mood and use it.

Vancouver

“I got this positive outlook from my father. He never let anything get him down- always found another way to look at it” -Pa about Gpa Hillary

Faster reader

Vocab

Library

Daily show

8-8  pajamas

“The average guy doesn’t rock the boat because he wants to climb aboard it”

Research

Olympics

Without fear

Blog of books. Reviews.

“he knows the price of everything but the value of nothing”

Finally understood the common connection

“You can never reach any truth without making 14 mistakes. And very likely 114.”

No new cloth

Polenka

Phone interviews

“The ordinary are of the present. They are born to be controlled, material in order only to reproduce their own kind. The extraordinary are the stuff of the future, those who have the gift or talent to utter a new word, born to push the boundaries of the law” –crime and punishment

Ideas are something you can depend on

Find them

“the really great men must have had really great sadness on earth”

God I can do so much with sauerkraut.

Jisu burnt, screaming in Korean like a maniac. Loic and I quiet for a second, and then, “…that was the cutest thing…. Ever”

Dreamers

“I like you just the way you are” –Bridget Jones’ Diary

Abstract argument alliteration

Politics—distant future

“just because it never happened doesn’t mean it isn’t true”

One should never slink out of a room; one should always make a grand exit.

Speak the language of escape

All my life I’ve tried (finish story on laptop)

Brown recluse spiders. Ladies in library screeching about near death experiences, “plagues of them” and being rushed to emerg. room with unknown bites. Severely annoying me for some reason.

Library- free

Manhattan Public Library. Such a familiar place. I’ve desperately typed “the meaning of life” into that search catalogue more times in my adolescence than you would care to know.

I realized what I love so much about running.

It’s a great feeling to really push yourself and feel like shit, but then know you can just stop and it will all be over. And when you stop you instantly feel better. As well as accomplished. Relief and self esteem. Beautiful.

It’s like you are freeing yourself of fears, as you face pain, but then banish it from your body whenever you so choose. Get that runners high and feel like you can do anything.

Also, it’s a great reason to get out and feel the sunshine pounding against your skin.

I went running out on the prairie by my house. Green, dusty and strong. Prickly flowers and grasshoppers colliding with your shins with every step. Endless cloudless sky with bright sunshine infiltrating every inch of the golden green world.

It’s at times like this that I really don’t mind being from Kansas.

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